Where is it, where is it?
You’re stupid..
Susan’s throat tightened and she nervously nipped her bottom lip as she kept searching through the odds and ends on her father’s desk.
So pathetic…
“Have you found it yet?” her mother called out from the kitchen.
Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes as she hastened her search, trying to blink away the tears.
Why can’t I find it? Why is it so hard for me to find things but easy for everyone else?
She heard her father cough from her parents bedroom and froze, her heart starting to pound in her chest as she braced herself for the sharp yelling that would ensue because she hadn’t been able to find it fast enough.
Why don’t you use your brain? her father’s taunting voice from past experiences echoed around in her mind. The answers are so obvious yet you refuse to look!
Her breath becoming shallow as tears started sliding down her cheeks, Susan started looking again, this time trying to be as quiet as possible to avoid attracting her father’s attention.
“Susan?”
Susan squeezed her eyes shut and flinched as she heard her mother’s voice moving closer, meaning her mother was coming in her direction.
See? her father’s voice again taunted her in her mind. You’re slow, weak, useless. You get so caught up in dream world that you never get anything done!!!!
She pressed her fists into her eyes as she slowly sank to the floor, tears flowing freely. Why am I so damn stupid!? she berated herself. Why do I keep disappointing my parents? What is wrong with me? Why is it when I try the hardest to get things right, everything goes wrong?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is just a one-shot, I’m not going to go anywhere else with it. And don’t worry, I’m okay, just trying to sort through some childhood memories and figure some stuff out.
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The Enchanted River in the Cryptid's Hollow 
I find that the more stressed you are when you’re looking for something, the harder it is to find that thing.
As a kid, whenever something was lost, I was unable to do anything else until that thing was found. Lord, was that challenging. But, it did teach me to pay attention to things.
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Yeah, or when it’s been put in a safe place and then you have to find it again
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My father said
to me as a child
you are nothing
you won’t become anything
you go to jail
or in a psychiatric institution
he was not entirely wrong
i am anyway
become an old man
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Why’d he say that?
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Good day
My father
came with
my nature
not right
i was him
as a child
a constant
provocation
he wanted
what to himself
the truth was
in me
transplanted
know him
still today
he fights
in me
against me
in my dreams
with my mother
together
as if i were them
the punishment of God
been
in their life
in the extended family
as a child
Best regards
Hans Gamma
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I’m so sorry 😢
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