The War Path

The following story is actually based on an incident that actually happened very recently. You see, my grandmother, great-aunt, and cousin were just visiting. And my great-aunt has a specific way of doing things in the kitchen. And my mother has another different way. Bring them together to cook a meal, and it’s a guaranteed all-expenses paid ticket to an awesome fireworks show. So, I have gotten inspiration (and plenty of amusement) for this comedy skit. Hope you enjoy!

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT

Opinions, personalities, conversations, events, etc., will be fictionalized or over-exaggerated for humor purposes and do not necessarily reflect the actual person’s opinions, etc.


“Lucy?”

I tear my eyes away from the movie playing and look over at my mother – Scarlett. “Yeah, Mum?”

“Can you help me and Aunt Sarah with dinner?” Mum requested.

I guess I’ll have to finish watching Mr Peabody and Sherman do their time traveling later (I think it’s a clear Back to the Future rip-off, don’t you?). “Sure, Mum,” I agree as I enter the kitchen where I spot my Great-Aunt Sarah (or simply “Aunt Sarah” as me and my siblings call her) already in the kitchen, getting out pots and pans.

Aunt Sarah, Grandma, and my cousin Tia are visiting for a few days.

“What are we having for dinner?” I ask.

“Spaghetti bolognese,” Mum answered.

We then began getting out the ingredients – the meat, tomatoes, onions, spices, pasta sauce, spaghetti, etc. After they were all out and the pans ready, I turned to Mum and Aunt Sarah and asked, “What should I do?”

“Cook the meat, please,” Mum instructed.

“I’ll do the onions and tomatoes,” Aunt Sarah offered.

I took the meat out of it’s plastic container and put it in the heated up frying pan and began stirring it. Then my cousin Tia entered the kitchen, holding her phone, and we all started chatting.

After stirring the meat for a few minutes, I went to get a drink and passed Aunt Sarah in the midst of cutting onions, having already put the tomatoes on to cook in a pan. She was cutting the onions into small pieces. Wow. That’s very good. But, isn’t it quicker simply to cut them up into larger pieces and throw them into the pan?

I opened my mouth.

No! We are all different. She’s doing a good job.

My mouth closed and I got my drink.

Resuming my work, Aunt Sarah came over and dumped the cut-up onions into the pan and began stirring. “The meat’s mostly cooked,” she said to Mum. “Should we put the spices in now?”

“No,” Mum said, “wait until the meat’s cooked.”

“It be quicker if we put the spices in now,” Aunt Sarah argued.

I shot Tia a look. Are they actually arguing over food?

“We’re doing it my way, Aunt Sarah,” Mum replied.

I quietly smiled to myself. The Hunger Games have begun…

We continued chatting amongst ourselves, catching up, etc. “You know,” Aunt Sarah commented to Mum, “your sister, Faige, flew down to see me.”

“Oh, really?” me and Mum said.

“We were going to have pork that night,” she continued. Ah. I’m starting to see where this is going. “And she and I discovered that we have completely different methods of cooking pork. We ended up in a deep and meaningful conversation on the proper way to cook pork and I ended up giving up and leaving the kitchen.”

I chuckle. Don’t you just throw the pork in a frying pan and, well, fry it?

Something told me to keep that to myself.

“We all have our different ways of doing things, don’t we?” Mum remarked.

“Where’s tea?” Dad asked, entering the kitchen. He went over to the oven and took a peek at Aunt Sarah’s frying pan. “Isn’t the tomatoes and onions cooked?” he asked her.

Me and Tia snickered.

“No, not yet,” Aunt Sarah assured him. “Do we put the pasta sauce in with the meat now, Scarlett?”

Mum took a look at the meat. “Not yet,” she said.

“Well, I have my way of cooking this, and you have your way,” Aunt Sarah stated with a smile. “So, who’s winning?”

“This is my house,” Mum stated.

The rest of us cracked up laughing. “Okay,” Aunt Sarah conceded. “Well, I’m cooking this,” and she pointed at the tomatoes and onions, which she was still stirring.

We continued cooking in peace for a couple more minutes. Mum and Aunt Sarah continued giving instructions to each other – surprisingly without incident.

“The meat’s cooked,” I announced.

“Great!” Mum said. “We can put the tomatoes and onions in with the meat now.”

“They’re not cooked yet,” Aunt Sarah informed her.

Mum took a look. “They look cooked.”

“No, they’re not.”

“As amusing as all this is,” I decide to stick my ore in (hopefully without getting a drenching), “I have to agree with Mum, Auntie. They do looked cooked.”

My eldest brother Maddox then sauntered into the kitchen, holding a cup for a drink. “Something smells nice,” he remarked and went up to us and had a look. He looked at the tomatoes and onions. “They’re overcooked!”

Me, Tia, and Dad burst out laughing – egged on by the somewhat annoyed look Aunt Sarah shot Maddox.

“Listen,” Aunt Sarah said to anyone listening (she had no fear of that – we all were as this is too good to pass up!). “This is my way of cooking it! The onions have got to be clear.”

I took another look.

The tomatoes and onions were all mush.

Maybe I shouldn’t point that out.

There’s nothing else for me to do, so I go out and finish watch some more of the movie. Hmm. Sherman’s ‘I don’t get it’ lines are starting to get old. And who’s crazy enough to have a dog adopt a boy? Doesn’t it show a level of irresponsibility on the court’s and social services part? Or maybe I should blame the filmmakers, who are clearly stuck in dreamland here?

And while we’re on the topic of things that are too unrealistic to be ignored, are we really expected to believe that in Madagascar, Marty actually built a house with pulleys and everything on an island…when he only washed up on the island with himself and an otherwise empty box? What about all the locks on his door?

And what about when they swam from Africa all the way to France? How did they magically get that snorkeling equipment? And why does Peso the penguin need a helmet to swim under water in that kids show that I simply can’t stand!!!

Or maybe I shouldn’t think too much about this.

Yeah, I’ll go with the latter. Less chance of a headache. I re-enter the kitchen and see Mum putting the sauce and spices in with the meat. “Are they still fighting?” I whisper to Dad.

He nods with a very amused look.

I return the grin.

Pity I missed it.

“Now, are we having garlic bread?” Aunt Sarah asked. Oh, yum!

“Yes, they’re in the fridge,” and Mum opened the fridge and pulled out three packets of garlic bread. Tia got a pair of scissors and began opening them. I went into the lounge again and, retrieving another pair of scissors, go back and start helping her with the garlic bread.

“How’s the fireworks going?” I whisper with a grin to Tia and nod my head towards the very prominent two that are by the oven.

“Still going,” she snickers as she whispers back.

After sorting out the garlic bread, I put them in the oven along with Mum and Aunt Sarah (I mean they helped me put the garlic bread in the oven, silly). I then go and sit down on a nearby chair as we wait for tea.

Mum went up to Aunt Sarah and patted her on the shoulder. I raise my eyebrow. Huh?

“You’re a great cook, Aunt Sarah,” she compliments.

Uh…what just happened?

“Is that a declaration of peace?” I quip.

They laugh, peace restored.

See? It’s true.

Good will always win over evil.


So, I hope that all made sense to you. I exaggerated, fictionalized and changed/added some things in for humour purposes. Hope you found it as funny as I intended. My movie thoughts are more or less on par with what I actually think – and yes, I really can’t STAND Octonauts. I love Madagascar, though.

Relatives who appeared in this – hope you don’t mind?

COPYRIGHT

All novels and short stories on this blog are the works of @rue202 and Racheal’s Novels Unauthorised use and/or duplication of this material without the express and written permission of the author is strictly not allowed. You may use excerpts and links or reblogs of this material provided that complete and clear credit is given to rue202 and Racheal’s Novels with clear directions to the original content.

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